Years ago, but a memory that is still as fresh as yesterday, I walked into my midwife’s office on a cool autumn day. With my youngest child in tow, I settled into the room waiting for her to check on our new baby. I was expecting, and even though we hadn’t planned to have another so soon, we were so excited.
This appointment should be quick; just another routine checkup. We chatted and laughed together as she began to check on baby. After a few minutes she suggested that the baby must be hiding so she wanted to grab the ultrasound machine to check. I wasn’t worried. This was routine.
When the screen lit up I saw the silhouette of our beautiful baby and felt a brief sense of relief. Then I looked at my doctor and read her face. I realized that the room was still very quiet. I asked her if she saw his heartbeat. She looked me in the eye and said the words I already knew. There was no heartbeat.
At that moment I wanted to be the spiritual, Christian person that could say something like, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” But the only thing I could manage to get out through the tears was, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus”.
The coming days brought some of the most traumatic things I have ever physically experienced. I am grateful that I was surrounded by people that supported me and allowed me to question God in my suffering. Don’t misunderstand my last sentence. I wasn’t questioning who God was… I was asking God questions. There’s a difference.
Did you know that you can do that? You can ask God why you are walking through something. He is kind and gentle and He will not turn you away.
God didn’t answer me right away. He brought me in close and held me while I grieved.
If you feel anger, pain, and confusion in your heart, who are you trying to fool by not telling God about it? He is sovereign over all and already knew you would be walking through the pain. God can handle anything you throw at Him. You can’t hurt His feelings by being too honest with Him. He already knows your thoughts.
Do you want answers? Do you want to know why you are walking through pain and brokenness in this life? Ask the all-knowing God of the Universe. Question God.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James 1:5-6
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18